Postcript (27/3) - advice for all bloggers. Writing a blog is not like writing a Book or even painting a picture (you don't wait till publication/showing to see a response). Before i move onto the next blog i need to make a clarification:
There is a fundamental difference between not wanting children (generally) and having an unwanted child (specific).
For the record - i have never had an unwanted child (Ashleigh) or even unwanted other children (Georgia/Paul). But can i still seriously contemplate another life (and all of their little complications/challenges/joys) without them - definitely.
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the original blog
Now before all the women who might read this get up in arms remember this is a man’s perspective. I can’t tell yours – thank god. Don’t shout at me if you don’t like it - tell your own story.
Ok - here is the wisdom of a man who wanted no children, had a vasectomy too late to save himself from contributing to the formation of his own child and ended up in a relationship with children involved (take it or leave it).
How do you ever know whether you should be a father or be a family man?
Part 1 is obviously much more challenging than part 2 (in theory at least) but then you know as the book says according to my translation - MEN are from PENIS, WOMEN are from VAGINA. At least that’s my view.
I love women, actually really love women. I love kids. However, frankly I knew from a young age that I did not want to have children (kids/kids friends are squirming again) but they have heard this before so it should not be a shock to them.
So how is it that I end up in a family with one of my own (Ashleigh) and two I inherited (Georgia and Paul)? My ANSWER – Man are from PENIS (and generally in a Pooh sense ”of little brain”).
Would I change things if I could – honestly – yes.
I love my kids and my family and I would never send them back but (and it is a huge but) would I live my life differently if I had my chance all over again – YES. Call me selfish, call me stupid but call me dishonest – I don’t think so.
Now that’s said lets talk about Fatherhood and Families.
As you are aware (if you are following the story) I had a very close encounter with fatherhood on the very first instance my P…. got anywhere near a V….. Did that shape my views – I don’t know, frankly I don’t think so.
My daughter was born in 1990 a number of years after Karen and I married. Karen and I had already talked about my views on children (at least that’s my recollection) and I had already canvassed the vasectomy issue with my Doctor but he ruled it out on the basis that no doctor would vasectomise a healthy man (at 21 or 22). The reason for this was that we (mere men) are not smart/mature enough to make this call at such a young age. Apparently, I would have needed to see a Shrink - perhaps I should have – to get this procedure even contemplated.
So time passes and the biological clock ticks and then the biological time-bomb goes off (every man needs to be aware that this is going to happen in any relationship – the clock always ticks and the bomb ALWAYS goes off). The issue here is whether you are the one standing there with you Dick in your hand (if you are around you are likely to be – remember you have a little brain) when it does.
[not part of my story but interesting all the same in this context - it seems that some men are actually not the ones who do the fathering when this happens (read the news if you don’t believe me) but they are the Family man who ends up “providing” for the children often unwittingly for ever – Double Jeopardy I call that]
Well boys and girls – the bomb went off (in our case probably in the Xmas/New Year period) – holiday times are always especially dangerous. More booze + More time = better sex (always).
Nine months (29 August) later a beautiful girl enters the world (at ~11.00am – aren’t Caesareans beautiful – but this was required medically).
The entre to Fatherhood starts much earlier than this though – and it will last forever.
Remember idiot (of two heads and only a small brain between them) you started this. So how does it work – really.
First three months – you and your penis spend a lot of time alone together – morning sickness is usually a very serious challenge to love making
Second three months – your love life may actually pick up. Pregnant women are truly beautiful and often sexy and sexual during this time
Third three months – you’ll be lucky. But you will get to be close to the mother and developing baby at parenting classes. If you didn’t know when you start you will know at the end how to breathe.
PS – if a caesarean is likely, breathing is generally a complete waste of time. If you faint they give you oxygen anyways.
So how do babies actually come into the world and how do you become a real father and a family man? There is no definitive answer but here is mine:
First, you go massively into debt – you buy a bigger car and a baby car seat, a new pram, you decorate your whole house (hope you can paint), you buy lots of toys, clothes etc.
Second, you go to hospital – now this is generally a challenge. At least it was for me. Picture this. Ashleigh is going to be delivered at a prescribed time (Doctor had a golf game later I am sure). So Karen and I arrive at hospital do the check-in thing and then a nurse whips her away to prepare her for the birth. Poor old dad (he of little brain) is also whipped away and given a scrub gown (hope you all look good in green) and left alone in a windowless room with only his thoughts and a “visitor book” (I kid you not). This book has the last minute musings of expectant fathers (god I would love to publish that book). It was like some “life row” novel of boys/men whose lives were about to change forever in an hour/minute, along with that of their wife/partner. For the record – I was scared for Karen, for myself and I cried from loneliness and fear. This is one of the few times this has happened as a man but the other times will be revealed in the story.
Third, the real fun starts. You are actually going to become a dad (sucker). Again our story goes like this. Some very capable doctors (lady surgeons) are to perform the operation. I get collected from my private (life row cell) and taken to the theatre. On entry you are blinded by the light. Theatres are generally very light/bright places – all very surgical really and they have a funny smell. This theatre is actually jam packed with people – my sense was two teams – the green team and the red team (about six of each) all in gowns with gloves and face masks (quite eerie really). Now Karen is laying on a bed all ready to go. I get to stand behind her head looking down towards her tummy which is painted brown and there is a screen of sorts halfway down her tummy.
Surgeon almost says ready steady go and makes first cut. This is truly an amazing procedure – at least if you are the bloke involved. Say five minutes later a baby is born. Don’t let anyone tell you different all babies are ugly at birth. Babies are born yukky. However, C-section babies are prettier as they are generally not “squashed” through a small opening for X hours. The two team work closely together and once baby is breathing she is presented to mother to hold (ah). Lots of Photos are taken.
Fourth, you spend a bit of time learning the basics – about 4-7 days - then you get to take the baby home (scary stuff). Boys – how many of you know how to fix/nuture your cars? Well being a dad is a lot like being a car owner.
Fifth - you become a FAMILY MAN
This will be the subject of Part 2 and further parts.
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