sporting achievements (and not)

This boy achieved much, but possible not as much as was really possible. Anyone who really looked would see consistently good performance for a long period of time by a one-eyed man. Couldn’t play racquet sports for nuts (ball always came from left – not the good side) and same applies to cricket (which by the way is a complete waste of time – personal view only). However, other athletic activities were something I could do (generally pretty well). Never focused enough on one thing to be great, but generally good.

Soccer was my sport. I played State as a junior as you already know and I played state as a senior, not sure how many games but I traveled in Asia with State and played several tournaments in Thailand (king’s cup) as well as other tours including one where we beat the Indonesian National Team.

Essentially I played soccer competitively from when I was 9 (say 1969) till my daughter Ashleigh was born in 1990. Got to travel, made some good friends and a huge number of acquaintances (not an easy word to spell). Visited some interesting/exotic places and had many laughs. During my career I also became a pretty good coach and taught quite a few kids as well as other coaches about the game.

In early 1991, when my daughter was only young, I gave up all associations with the game. Do I regret it – no, do I miss it – no. do I still love the game – yes.

So here are some vignettes of my life as “more than an average sportsman”.

Personal Injuries – few if any (however, some imparted on others)

I was lucky with injuries in my whole career – I only cracked an ankle bone, broke some ribs and suffered some relatively minor muscle tears. I also suffered some back problems after the infamous flying car incident. I have a fairly high pain threshold it seems

With the cracked ankle I played off the bench the week I cracked my ankle (with plenty of physio, strapping and some pain killers). Seems a bit ridiculous in retrospect but I wanted to and the doctor couldn’t see any reason why I shouldn’t.

With the broken ribs I trained after one week of breaking ribs and played after 2 (had to put a guard on the rib but it was ok). Greek boys in the team took 4-5 weeks off with runny nose (no bottle/heart really). Funny bit (for those that know me) is that I generally sneeze a lot – didn’t sneeze at all for about 4 wks (unheard of before or since).

Otherwise escaped my career with no knee, ankle, back or other problems – blessed it seems

Injuries to others – sometimes made for a laugh (you know sick humour)

As a junior I traveled to Tasmania, played on Derwent River, underneath that famous bridge (can’t remember its name it’s that famous) the ship crashed into.

Weather was shocking ~5 degrees and pitch was wet, wind was howling. Two incidents in the same game – make u laugh if they didn’t happen to you. Remember we are all under 16 boys/men. First incident, team mate gets hit in nuts with a ball from about a metre away with a ball – immediately unconscious/fainted. [For girls reading this it is like getting hit in T or B]. Trainer runs out (B McShane) and proffers the magic sponge. I reckon it had icicles on it. Boy on ground has his nuts turned instantly to blue icecubes (wasn’t funny really but we all laughed later).

Same game – separate incident – our winger (guy who hides a lot on edge of field while everyone else runs around madly trying to get ball and pass it to him) gets tripped about 12 metres from goal, slides and crashes head first into goal post – result splits two front top teeth into a v. Again not funny really (in retrospect) but he did look funny for a few weeks. Same idiot went to scale a turnstile at the Hobart airport and crashed face first onto the ground (clumsy I say) – as it turns out he never made it as a senior player.

Asian Tours (more than 1 trip)

Now boys grow into men (at least some of them do). So later in life this boy travels SE Asia with a team. We visit Sabah – play games in Kota Kinabulu and Sandakan (one scary plane flight), travel to Manila (great trip – if u remember) and then Kuala Lumpur. Couple of funny stories:

#1 (close your eyes kids if u r squeamish) – boys will be filthy bastards given a chance.

Played in Kota Kinabalu. Monsoonal rain (but ~15k people at game – no room to move outside of pitch). We won, but it was more like water polo than soccer as you could not kick ball on ground. After game finishes we go back to hotel for shower/bath. Everyone is sharing rooms (and hence bathrooms). First step, u need to run shower/bath – first bloke stands in Bathtub and turns shower on – next minute (and I kid u not) a “lizard” runs out of the plug hole, up his leg and body and ends up on the top of his head – it was only smallish (say 6”) but it scared the shit out of him and everyone else watching including me. Next laugh - two blokes (nameless to protect them) get into bath together (one has full kit on shorts, boots, jersey and other gets down to jocks) – didn’t u know soccer players bathe 2gther. Two others wait for their turn (I’m one). Next thing the Bill Murray – Chockito log floats to top (er gross). Clears the bath instantly – new water required.

#2 – Big Dick

We had a big guy traveling with us (big Dick – not what u r thinking). Looked after the teams kit. In Manila (remember this is the 52nd US state) everything goes the “wrong” way for us Aussie blokes, they also have kerbs to deal with Monsoonal downpours (at least 18” high). Big dick looks wrong way and mis-judges kerb and crashes to ground in front of traffic (again not funny unless u were there) and promptly bounces up like the Shell Doll (u know the 1 with weights in the bottom which just keeps popping up). Notwithstanding his bungy jumping off kerbs (without a rope) big dick was a great hit with women (I couldn’t work it out but perhaps I was blind/stupid or both).

#3 – Gosh Idiot

One of the “boys” on the tour got the “razor’ treatment on the last night in KL. All of the duty free that was left was on offer. Most pissed (there are some photos floating around to prove this somewhere). Boy gets held down and “shaved”. Disposable razor – with cover on was used – so not a hair was actually missing. On release “boy” jumps up (still pissed and now angry) and sweeps all grog off of desk. Ends up cutting hands. Proceeds to run down 3 floors in fire escape with hand on wall – easy to find (idiot). Brought back to room – non-drinking doctor sews the idiot up without anaesthetic (stewed anyways) and he goes to bed. Again funny if it wasn’t your pewbs or finger getting stitched.

Another trip - Thailand – Coach get Jab 2 remember

On a different trip (Kings Cup) Aussie Boys and men including a coach visit the notorious Pat Pong (Girly Bar District) for some beers (yeh).

Spent night as group in one bar and they ran a tab – big mistake. End of night there is dispute about the tab. Big tough Aussies walk out of bar en-masse after dropping what we thought (given most were pissed) a fair bar tab.

Main street has military guard post on each end (bit like a mall). Little Thai bar manager runs up to post on the end we were heading to. Military looking dude does the Mel Brooks thing (horses in desert going through toll gates) and stops group. He is small and massively outnumbered (but obviously not deterred). Manager gets into debate with “military man” and ‘acts” the bombastic westerner. Crowd is growing. All of us are starting to stand back – these suckers are actually armed – and watch.

Heavy artillery appear from crowd (some plain clothes dudes). Manager gives them the I’m right, your wrong treatment and the next thing he gets the electric cattle prod in the arse treatment (at least he did not get shot) and it basically froze him in place.

Next scene is two other plain clothes dudes loading him into back of “police van”. Funny – yeh but only if it wasn’t your butt. Took 5 minutes and some more cash to make problem go away (besides we had game next day) but I was told it took longer for the pain in the butt to subside.