Fatherhood (3) – new born to Adult in a nano-second

Sometimes as a father/parent it will seem like time is compressed and on other occasions it will almost surely be the reverse.

During the first 12 months of Ashleigh’s life things were really relatively easy. We had a nice place, supportive families and we were bumbling our way along as most new parents do. Things that will scare you or be memorable include:

• Bathing a new born baby
• Changing a new born baby
• Taking your baby in the bath or shower with you
• Feeding a new born baby (as a women on the breast) or as a dad via a bottle (perhaps with expressed milk or formula)
• Trying to get a baby to sleep
• The first night a baby sleeps through ( say six hours – this will generally scare the S…. out of you)
• Taking your baby to the clinic for checkups and immunizations (there is nothing like the cry of a newborn when jabbed with a needle)
• Lovemaking after the birth

After about 10 months, Karen went back to work. For a period we continued to develop as a family but it wasn’t long before some major changes occurred simultaneously in all of our lives:

• New job for Karen (with shift work)
• Decision to build a new house (and as a result add additional financial pressures and workloads to the relationship)
• Selling our house and moving in with my parents (oh by the way I had a vasectomy during this period – too late I hear you say)

Our new house was finally built (very nice it was) and we moved in. We started to turn it into a home but for lots of reasons our relationship began to change and within a short period of time reached a point of no return. With the benefit of 20:20 hindsight doing all of these things (at least in my opinion) together was a huge mistake. However, it took some time for this to actually result in any material changes. No individual was to blame but also all individuals were to blame. Relationship don’t break themselves they are broken by the people (or the pressures that are created) within them.

I remember the night this occurred vividly (and it was another time I cried as a man). There is nothing like the breakdown of a marriage/long-term relationship in terms of emotional “pain”. I personally felt like my heart had been wrenched from my chest when we took a decision to separate late one night.

However, as a person I am a rational/pragmatic (some say cold) person. Once the decision to separate was taken there was no turning back (at least for me) and my focus then from the next morning turned to “solving the problem”.

Remember we had Ashleigh who was in day care (~18 months old), a relatively new house, one car, little or no money and we were both working (Karen – working shift work).

So how do you solve such problems? There are many different ways – none of them right, but some are clearly better in my view in the long-term than others. How do you judge this? Time (and a future chapter?) might provide some insights.

My initial solution was to do the following:

• Take a week’s leave from work (time to sort out immediate issues)
• Take responsibility for Ashleigh - I had a 8-5 job near the daycare whereas Karen was working shifts
• Work on agreeing amicably how to separate our worldly possessions
• Work on trying to build a platform for a long-term friendly relationship with Karen (and between us and other parties)
• Put our house on the market (and find a new place to live)
• Get back to work (and act like nothing had happened)

For the first couple of months Ash and I lived in our house and we caught the bus to work (to the city) as Karen had the car. I would drop Ash at Daycare and pick her up and take her on the bus home. More often than not we would stop in a restaurant on the way home – this was a good way for us to spend time together at the end of the day and for us to eat good meals (without me having to cook/wash up). I am sure that this has contributed to her current fetish for Takeaway or going out to restaurants.

It wasn’t long before we sold the house, I got a car (Nissan NxR – part of what I now refer to as my redundancy package) and Ash and I moved to a house owned by a friend/work colleague in Mt Hawthorn (thank you Helen) and the next phase of our lives began to take shape.

Karen also moved on – moving in with a friend (Sarah) and settling into a routine which meant that she would ultimately spend more time with Ashleigh.

To our great credit (my view) we managed, despite all of the great personal hurt/emotion and interests of other parties, to separate amicably and to make decisions that were beneficial to us and in particular Ashleigh with a longer term view in mind. While in the moment this was often difficult (and not understood by others around us) this has subsequently proven to have been one of the “best” actions taken by us collectively. You can’t plan this and you are lucky to achieve it, but if you can do this it will save everyone additional emotional anguish, a hundred headaches and thousands and thousands of dollars.

As a father during this period all I sought to do was to be a something consistent in Ashleigh’s life and to provide time for the turbulence which inevitably occurs in such times to subside. No-one ever stopped loving Ashleigh during this time, but everyone "managed" the time somewhat differently.

Young children (say anyone less than 30 - just kidding) are always the most vulnerable in such situations as they have no control and no ability to influence the environment around them. Babies (<20) often can’t choose, all of their decisions are made for them and we can only hope that the adults around them do the right things (unfortunately this is not always what happens).

During this time Karen and I were supported by family and friends and all of these people helped in some way (so thank you to all).

MEN are from PENIS, WOMEN are from VAGINA - Views on Fatherhood and Families (part 2)

Fatherhood – a strange concept with no training really (same for mothers but really much worse in my view)

Fathers have, no doubt at least in my experience, the easiest role in the birthing of a child and their subsequent parenting. There will undoubtedly be some exceptions but let’s work with the majority.

Being a father is actually quite a strange concept in reality – at least early on. Initially you are essentially completely redundant (in fact in many species by now you are long dead (praying mantis) or long gone. However, if you have any perseverance skills (ie – here after ejaculation) you will undoubtedly have a role to play. What it will be is subject to circumstance (a bit like the lottery) and a much grander order.

Being a parent is yet another equally foreign concept for many (you are not the dad/mum genealogically yet you are a “parent” by relationship)

Fatherhood in reality (actually it is unreal)

Baby Ashleigh comes home – remember this is a little baby girl with which her parents have no real experience like most other first time parents but unlike pretty much anything in their lives to date. Generally, the baby arrives at a time when you (as a couple) may actually be at your most selfish – this may not apply to older mums and dads who are actually pining (but no less inexperienced in the realities) for a child.

No baby comes with a manual or a money back guarantee. Therefore, the recipients are bringing a child home with absolutely no protections (legally) for the remainder of all related parties lives – no matter how beautiful, destructive/disruptive, headstrong they may be – or alternatively how dysfunctional the lives of the “adults” involved may be.

This obviously (not) is a wonderful foundation to a relationship which in today’s terms could last anywhere between 0-100 years.

Personal experience of Fatherhood

Despite being an “educated” type –it turns out I was/am a complete idiot (or so it seems) at fatherhood.

[An aside - I think WA/Australian society needs a rethink here. We ask prospective drivers to complete some training. This requirement, now proposed at least in WA (the nanny state) to be up to 120 hours driver training on the road which it is proposed is aimed at better road safety. This proposal if/when implemented is likely to have a duel/triple benefit. It should reduce adolescent (and other) road trauma/death as well as reducing unwanted births. It will also reduce marital cheating. Everyone will be way too busy driving around to be engaging in sex – call it love making if you prefer (sneaky)].

However, if we don’t change – the inevitable biological cycle here (ex driver training) we allow any horny girl/boy to bring a child into the world without any training/test (and by the way our social system supports them).

So let’s get beyond BIOLOGICAL.

Quite often serious relationships (and many not so serious relationships) between two people lead to significant others. So if you get into a relationship at anytime you could be a father/mother or indirectly a parent.

Now don’t let me paint this experience as completely negative. Children are actually great and they more often than not have a positive impact on females as well as, many relationships, but for me personally as I have said I could have gone without.

Notwithstanding this I became the father of 1 and the immediate parent of 2 (and in fact 3 if you count Paul). Both girls were beautiful (as all females are). Paul was for many years a “distant” child.

Ashleigh was dark and independent and has always been able to navigate like a GPRS. Georgia was fair and initially not so independent (indeed early in her life she needed instructions to get to the end of the drive). However, as time passed navigation became less of an issue. Children learn at different rates for different reasons. In the end, our family had one risk taker and one not risk taker.

The former (G) would try anything and crash and burn till she got it, the other (A) would try things, but not really, till she actually had mastered it (worked it out). Examples exist – one learnt to rollerblade and ride a bike by bruising her butt, the other never fell once (was nearly 6 before her dad took off the trainer wheels when one day she came and said Dad you can take them off and she never fell on her butt once).

Both had pretty much the same upbringing if you discount the first couple of years for G, but both are wonderfully different. Each is a fine young lady now (apparently – if you close your eyes/ears), but only time will tell how their lives turn out.

So what was my role as a father/parent in this great game of life - ie, their transition from babies to adolescent women (can you call them that)?

Provider, Mentor, Meany - I can’t tell really. All of the above would be my claim.

Am I a real father/parent I am not sure. Sometimes I have truly wondered. What does it take to be a real father/parent? Could I have been different(surely I could have but would I have been better). If I had not been here would it have actually made any difference – I don’t know?

Well I guess it is only your kids who can mark your scorecard as a father/parent (so here’s your chance). But remember – this is my Blog and I will keep blogging.

Getting to Fatherhood

[Please interpret from my often narrow male perspective. This is not a direct commentary on any women in my life past or present – ie, ex-wife, my child, associated children, current “partner”.]

Struck me after reviewing my last post (and some direct feedback) that actually I had left something out (chronologically at least) in moving from sport into the Fatherhood blog (and ultimately the parent blog).

So let me retrace my steps for a moment (there are some insights here I think into various characters, including me, who feature – now and in future).

Today a lot of children are born out of wedlock and this is not viewed, by many, as a significant issue. However, some people still view marriage as a sign of commitment and they often do this prior to the birth of any child.

In reality marriage, given divorce/relationship breakdown statistics, is not a precursor to or indeed a success factor for, parenting (or fatherhood). There is more than enough evidence to suggest that great marriages can have bad parents associated within them or successfully married men/women can be crap fathers/mothers/parents.

Frankly based on my personal experience, success here is not related to gender, marriage or indeed relationship to another adult – it hinges on your relationship with the child (having others around particularly other adults simply serves to support/complicate this as the case may be).

With respect “adults” relationships are always tricky. What is an appropriate level of commitment? How is it demonstrated? Is not cheating/being faithful enough or is marriage required to demonstrate “true” commitment?

In my case, I was a typical youngish male (my assessment) who was not prepared to commit at the time (at least verbally) and I still have “issues” with this. Yet I was (and still am), as indicated previously serially monogamous.

After Karen and I worked together and then “lived together” – ie moving backwards and forwards between the respective houses of our parents - we eventually became a “couple” living together in our own place. This typically, is the first sign (at least for many women/men?) of true relationship commitment (ie, means house leases, shared space – bathrooms, joint music collections, shared financial concerns etc).

Karen and I eventually got our own place. Our moving history over time turned out to be extensive (and deserving perhaps of its own separate blog like the car analogy – where/what you live in helps define you – but let’s see).

I can’t be exact about which was the first property in the chain or when (think it was a small flat in Wembley) but suffice to say we eventually made the first step.

Now keep this in mind – I met Karen at work (and then quit to go to uni).The person in her life before me was a long term beau (training to be a doctor who appeared to have “real” prospects).

Just like any women, men often have an internal clock running. I had my own little biological clock running and I had declared internally (and to my family) I would not marry before I was 25 at least.

Story 1 (others later?)

I recall getting spewed on before getting married and nearly crashing out of a window as a result. How did this happen? Single Bed, crap Greek food and staying at home for a night (after moving out).

Karen was violently ill (food poisoning no doubt) following a night at a Greek restaurant. Wake up from deep sleep (I was pissed no doubt) with vomit raining down on chest – I kid you not (yuk). Wake up, bounce out of bed and go for door – big mistake! Not in our new place but at my parents home (door = window). Fortunately, there is bookshelf in way but disoriented bounce around room to find door. Ended up in shower, cleaning both of us up. Was it funny – not at time but most relationships will have a spew story. Might amuse some of the readers however.

Marriage Proposal – every marriage has to have one. Some are memorable, some are truly forgettable, some are very public, but most are private. Notwithstanding this, like having a baby, how do most people actually get there?

My case – left up to me I would probably never have proposed (like I would never have had children). This says more about me – than any other character you will read about in this blog.

To be completely truthful I really can’t remember the proposal – that’s how memorable it was for me. My recollection is that it went something like this. Karen - we need to get married or I am going to leave as (my clock is ticking and) I need a commitment – ie if you don’t agree we will split up. Jeff - OK let’s get married (it was late and this was the easy response at the time). Obviously this is the easy path. Is it the “right” path. Personally. I don’t think so.

[Note for all who follow - BIG MISTAKE for all parties – my view. ] Everyone needs to make own call. Advice – tough decisions up front have significantly less downside later.

Did my reticence to commit mean I was not in “love” – please define this term for me - or “committed” to Karen or indeed a long term relationship? In my opinion – NO. I was there, I was not cheating and I was happy to go forward on that basis (and by the way I was not really thinking about children – my own or those of anyone else). Was my “capitulation” a true commitment (in retrospect – I think not).

Boys/men - you need to take into account the most significant clock in the world – the biological clock – is ticking in the Garden of Eden. It won't matter if you are in complete denial, have your head up you’re A… or elsewhere. The clock is ticking you will almost certainly be confronted by the commitment challenge at sometime – if you don’t meet this challenge I suspect you will live a life completely bereft of meaningful female companionship (or you will fail the “how do I know you are gay test”).

After the commitment to marriage you are required (generally) to deliver on your promise. Remember I said generally – I know at least one male who has been engaged for at least 12 years to the same women (a record in my world at least) and who is still not married.

My Case – the planning for the marriage began immediately after the proposal (fish on hook?). Given the circumstances – no ring when proposal was made. This is often the first challenge both financially and from a design perspective. (advice – plan for wedding, eternity and double eternity components – you will certainly be asked to recommit)

The wedding planning process is either easy or a real challenge. In some instances it’s a relationship breaking (immediately or in longer term) event. In our case it was challenging but not immediately relationship breaking.

In Australia, the concept of arranged marriage (and an associated relationship – commercial/strategic – at a family level) is quite rare. Notwithstanding this there will undoubtedly be challenges in arranging a wedding. Following is my list of challenges:

· The weddees – (you and your partner) generally are at a stage in your life when you can’t afford to fund a wedding in your own right – and therefore in a position to tell everyone else to FO. This may not apply to 2nd/3rd marriages – recalcitrant’s or slow learners?
· The Parents generally have a lot of residual favours to repay, hence all of the “family blow-ins” you don’t know and never met who get to turn up on your “special day” (and drop their trousers etc). As a soon to be married person – the guest list is likely to be your first real challenge as a negotiator [here’s my final offer to “our” kids – you choose the list anytime/anywhere we pay. Well at least for the ladder – take it or leave it]
· Generally, the second major challenge will be who gets to put crap on you via the speeches (and for how long – that is before they piss off your family - who paid for dinner/drinks - and all of your respective mates).
· You and your potential partner will undoubtedly not agree on the guest list and more specifically their location at the reception (some of her girlfriends undoubtedly suck – in some instances you may be among the chosen ones; and some of your mates really are “Burley” – oily and good fish attractors - and thus not front row candidates)
· The cost of the event itself – girls (my experience) spend more – dress, shoes, bag, make up …. Boy = new shoes, Suit (then flowers/presents for everyone else).
· Where, when, music etc will also be an issue

So what was our Wedding experience?

· The pre-wedding was interesting. Essentially I had no long-term mates (I know this says more about me than anyone else). My best man on the day (S Green) was a football colleague. We were close in boy terms - we played in same teams, roomed together in Asia – I slept in lift lobby so he could be alone with girl (that’s real commitment)) – but I have never seen/heard from him since wedding. I kid you not.
· Preparing for the Wedding – bit like first child experience. S had flat near wedding location. Arrive, suit ready to go, new shoes, flowers for lapel etc. Shower, dress, bend to tie up shoes – split suit pant (no joke). S is bachelor, only pin in house is thumbtack – where does one stick one of these? Spent remainder of wedding with cheeks clenched together and legs crossed
· The wedding ceremony – fantastic. Bride looks stunning. Setting is fabulous (University of WA Grounds behind Hackett Hall)

the garden where it happened - nothing has changed



Photos taken here





This is hackett hall. i had my graduation photos taken here as well



· The reception – OK. Reception hall is now a hospital (heart surgery I think – ironic? Your call)
· Honeymoon – unmemorable (my fault I suspect).

Overall, a wholly forgettable event. I loved Karen but I could well have done this without the formality.

Following marriage we “settled” into our relationship/domestic life. Babies came later.